Pink & Grow Bold

A Breast Cancer Survivor’s journey to learn and live her dreams.

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Illness Unknowns are So Scary

November 21, 2017 By Amy 1 Comment

I understand that life in general comes with unknowns and it’s always an unknown that you’ll get an illness prior to. But you can’t live your life thinking what if I get sick someday; though, PSA, it’s a good idea to be prepared with health insurance in case you do. That said, when you already have an illness and your staring down the barrel of unknowns, it is the scariest feeling in the world.

My beautiful friend, a strong artist, deals with unfair illness unknowns with beauty, art and love. #cancersucks

My beautiful friend, a strong artist, deals with unfair illness unknowns with beauty, art and love. #cancersucks

I have three good friends dealing with this in their everyday lives. Huge-hearted Iris, artist of my portrait, would retreat to the comforts of her home with only her closest loved ones for the weeks before a scan to show if her breast cancer was still at bay or had come back. Spunky Nellie’s monthly scans are the only way she knows if her lung cancer is still showing no sign of disease or if it has come back. Straight shooter Shyreeta has been through the ringer with month after month of doctor visits, pain and inconclusive tests, with still no official diagnosis. I’ve seen them and watched them and wished great health and happiness for them. I’ve seen their faces contort with pain as not knowing is terrifying, especially when it feels like life is on the line.

Unknown Empathy

With my cancer, I felt lucky on the actual cancer side. My tumor was caught small and early and I knew I’d live. Yes, I’ve been through the ringer with weird complications and side effects, but however unpleasant, they all had repairs. That was until I had to get genetic testing. I saw a revered oncologist back in January of 2016. We discussed my whole history and discussed my family background as well. Our dad had died of pancreatic cancer in 2003 which, in a word, Sucked! It’s a horrible disease, one that still turns my heart when I hear someone new has it. With breast cancer, most people think of a BRCA gene mutation, but I learned from her that there are others and that she was particularly worried for me about PALB2, which links pancreatic and breast cancer, raising the risk for both.

So, here I was, with something big looming and the fear of the unknown creeping in on me. I had to fill out a bunch of family history paperwork and submit that, which took a while, then the first available appointment was months away on July 31, 2017. That day was a bit surreal, having to do a physical exam then sit down with the genetic counselor whose thorough descriptions were fascinating and intimidating. After, I gave blood which was shipped off with the thought of results in 2-3 weeks.

Those 2-3 weeks were hard. I felt like, this is it. I’m going to learn that I’ll die of pancreatic cancer and that it could affect my siblings too. I was spiraling. I put on 10 pounds of cortisol stress weight and could focus on little else. I got the call that my results were in and an appointment was set for August 17th. In a happy nutshell, I’m not imminently going to die of pancreatic cancer! I was tested for 24 genes and their mutations and tested negative for 24 including all the pancreatic ones. Huzzah! Yes, if you’re paying attention, I did test positive for one but, where my mutation lies has not yet been classified, so back to my second sentence above, I can’t live my life thinking what if I get sick again someday. I am grateful to have had this experience as I have such a different level of empathy for my friends and what they bravely go through.

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Hope Tagged With: breast cancer, friends, illness, support

Wishing for Normal

August 9, 2017 By Amy 3 Comments

Hey everyone.  I’ve missed you all and missed writing to you.  That, of course, is my bad.  It’s clear that I tend to fall into old habits such as, when I have too much time on my hands, I don’t tend to do much of anything.  I also don’t tend to write when there’s not much going on as I feel uninteresting and think who wants to read about the boring.

What is interesting, there’s a lot going on in my mind, it’s just not translating into action.  Some thoughts have been good; such as, since May, I finally got on a seemingly correct medicine combo to start feeling good again, like 90%+ good.  The whole time while sick, even on my good days, I never really broke past feeling 75%, so this is big.  Turns out I had undiagnosed Hoshimoto’s Disease – a thyroid disease that makes you feel all kinds of crappy.  We’re still fine-tuning things but I’m optimistic.

I am telling myself to hold this optimism while I type as I did just do full genetic testing and am waiting on results that may tell me I’m not alright, or I may not be later, or heck, maybe it will tell me good news.  We’ll see.

Alright, so as I haven’t been writing but with some thoughts nagging in my head, I decided to try writing a song for the first time.  I do not actually know how to write a song and by song I mean lyrics, not actual music. But below is my first stab and this is how I’ve been feeling.  Do not fret.  Yes, it’s on the serious side and the voice in my head kept repeating the words with a random country music twang, but I have optimism that this too shall pass… Soon!

Big hugs and much love to you all.

Wishing for Normal

Everyday just feels the same
No structure and no plans
No one knocks upon my door
There’s no one coming in

On days of rain, I feel reprieve
As in and alone feels right with TV
I assuage the guilt of my wasted days
Washed away by rain

But those days of sun
the hours that pass
checking news, refreshing email
sitting on my ass

From morning til night
The same four walls
Stressing on the inside
Hoping for a call

Wishing for normal
When will it come back
When will I matter again
Wanted for my knack

Wishing for normal
Through thoughts of all I lack
When will I rise again
Get my life on track

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Hope, Personal Development Tagged With: breast cancer, growth, song

Finding Inspiration When Life Happens

June 23, 2017 By Amy Leave a Comment

I have been trying to write a new blog for a few weeks. I’ve had varying ideas over that time, some that I may try to revisit, but it is interesting how timely thoughts can be and if you don’t seize on them in the moment, it feels as if the moment may be gone.

At the beginning of the month, I was able to visit NYC for the first time since before my cancer diagnosis. This was the trip that I kept putting off as, since growing up in New Jersey and having both lifelong friends and family there, I knew my body would not be able to handle the type of immersive visit that I longed for. It felt like a rite of passage, being well enough to go go go.

The Saturday of my visit, I briskly walked 12 miles while seeing favorite places like the Central Park Conservatory Garden, the reservoir, and the Met. I visited multiple exhibits and galleries but when the corner of my eye caught a Monet, I was pulled in by the masters. I obviously wish none of you get cancer but I have to say, seeing art masterpieces, after beating cancer, while feeling great and on antidepressants, no art has ever been more breathtaking. I felt like I was experiencing that scene in the Grinch where his heart grows three times the size. I’ll never forget it.

I had a truly wonderful time and thought that I’d write about my visit upon returning to Florida. But first I took a day to rest. Then I had to give each of my cats’ a million hugs all day. Then there was a big news day that I got sucked into. Then I got my roots done – much needed, I felt like a reverse skunk. Then the weekend of fun and activities, you get the picture. Life happened.

Then life happened in a very different way. After seeing and loving Finding Neverland as mom’s and my final Broadway event of the season on Sunday, Monday was the one year anniversary of the Pulse shooting. I’ve had two odd close but far encounters with Pulse. Last year at the time, I had just flown to England and Ireland for training with my then new job. I put the TV on in my hotel room in Ireland to find the news was coming from Orlando, FL and a young singer had been murdered. The next and for many days after, still in Ireland, the news remained about Orlando and Pulse. It was a very odd feeling to be so far away but have news that literally hit 25 minutes close to home.

This year’s anniversary I felt it necessary pay my respects. I thought about the tragedy that whole day. The next day, I went to my Tuesday cancer support group as usual. I met up with a good friend there and went after to grab a nosh than go to a different support group specifically for her cancer type. When we were nearing our original meeting point at an Orlando hospital, we drove on to Pulse to see the tributes. I learned that the club was literally one half mile away from the destination I’ve been going to every week for the past 3 months. I wish I’d known that sooner.

Though the week began solemnly, I kept telling myself I have to write my blog. I’m slacking. Then Wednesday came and that horrible ballpark shooting took place outside DC. That really unnerved me. I believe that our differences should lead to spirited debates, not to bullets and that we not forget we are all Americans. I found myself awake quite early on Thursday morning and my first instinct was to grab my phone to see how the shot Senator was, hoping he, a senator I have little in common with politically, was doing well.

I found myself once again pondering a blog topic. I’d personally felt it had been a weird week as how do you juxtapose having a good personal week with mostly highs when the country had a week of many lows? For one thing, I can tell you that it has left me more whole with a reaffirmation to look beyond politics and always remember humanity. If you notice above, I note the senator and I have little in common politically. But what is that in the grand scheme of things when we likely have important things in common such as love of family?

So today, I share my stream of consciousness thoughts behind my active inaction. It’s honest as sometimes, finding inspiration when life happens, is hard. Time to get past my ego to overtly inspire and just share. You all inspire me every day.

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Hope, Personal Development Tagged With: action, family, growth

Let’s Talk About Depression

May 17, 2017 By Amy 8 Comments

Shortly after posting my last blog, I got a text saying I’m sorry I’ve been a crappy friend. Then I got another, and another, and another. Clearly I did not do a good enough job stating that at this time I’m feeling pretty darn good. Why? In part… Antidepressants.

Since my breast cancer diagnosis, I knew that I had a little stream of sadness running through me at all times but I was able to keep it at bay with my positivity. After a series of unfortunate events and the seemingly constant government discussions of not only repealing my health care but labeling me for life with a scarlet P for my major preexisting condition, I was unnerved and scared. Couple this with the fact that I have been through a ton physically and emotionally over the last three years and I hadn’t realized that the sadness had begun to drown me. It wasn’t that I was in denial, I think I was just trying to stay afloat however I could and it didn’t dawn on me what the culprit was. I was coping with “Un” Happy Hours, having a couple of cocktails and a nosh, of the comfort variety.

On a particularly off day, I went to happy hour and ran into someone I knew. We decided to go on to trivia. I do not normally go out to two events in one day. I did and it was too much. I woke up at 4am (yes, alone… I’ve not gone that far off the deep end) feeling as though I had hit rock bottom. I realize my rock bottom is not as desolate as others, I still had a roof over my head and wonderful family, but this is an individual feeling that needs no validation. I reached out to two friends that day, both of whom I knew were on anti-depressants. The next morning, I went to the doctor and got put on Lexapro. Once it kicked in, it’s been great.

So, for real, let’s talk about depression. Why is it so taboo? Why is it more socially acceptable to drink your feelings than eat your feelings, go on antidepressants, or talk to an expert? This is so backwards. Since I’ve told my friends, many of them told me they’re on antidepressants too. It should not be a source of shame to be kept hidden away. All it means is, darn, we’re human, not Superman and Wonder Woman.

Seeking Help is Strong Not Weak

In realizing that I was not strong enough to continue without help, I did an extraordinarily strong thing and sought help out. I’ve done a total turnaround since. I’m eating well (on what I affectionately call my stupid diet), I’m exercising more (begrudgingly), and after not drinking at all the first month, I now only have one max two when I’m happily out with others. I also sought out a breast cancer support group, something I’ve not had since leaving Gainesville.

I’ve given myself permission to release those dark times. When speaking to one of my friend’s the day I knew I needed to get help, she said something that not only greatly helped me but has stuck with me since. She said that anything and anyone that was attracted to my undeniably off energy during those months that I was drowning, from guys to friends to potential jobs, were wrong for me. Peace out.

I sure do see things with a lens of brightness and glory now. A friend asked me weeks ago if I had any exciting plans coming up. The answer was no as I realized I don’t need exciting plans – just look at the pretty trees, and flowers, and the sky. There’s so much beauty in the commonplace. I do think I used to need “exciting plans” as I was in a hole and it took something grandiose to register as normal.

Now normal registers as grandiose! I keep sending my family gushy group messages of love and appreciation that I don’t foresee stopping. I finally just feel good, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Big hugs and much love to all.

Filed Under: Hope, Personal Development, Uncategorized Tagged With: antidepressants, breast cancer, depression, help, recovery

I Have No Idea What To Call This

May 4, 2017 By Amy 11 Comments

I’m Amy and I owe you an apology. I had been given a special opportunity to blog for Growing Bolder, a group of people I greatly respect, and after 16 blogs, I pulled away.

I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer three years ago. Recovery is an interesting thing as there are peaks and valleys. I have had 12 surgeries, six major, six more minor, plus a myriad of complications. At some points throughout, I’d start feeling better and both with excitement and trepidation I’d think “what’s next?” It would seem like time to think about reentering life and I kept putting this not at all helpful burden on myself of feeling like I needed to “honor cancer.” Live a bigger, better, bolder life. Then you know what would happen? I’d have recovery knock me down a peg or two or ten.

I approached Growing Bolder during one of those peaks. I was so gung ho! I went back and read some of my earlier blogs today and thought who is this person? I clearly wrote as the caricature I was trying to be to honor cancer and grow bolder. I looked at these 16 blogs that were clever and upbeat and forced – I guess at the time I needed to project that (to myself).

But you know what also happened today? I came across Blog 17. One that I’d never published, probably since it was written at a later, very honest time in 2016. When I recently approached GB to come back, I apologized to them and explained how I’d felt like a fraud with my previous writings as I was so Yea, I’m going to jump headfirst into some BS new life. But the reality was, every day was the same. I was living in my mom’s house, which I appreciated, with our combined six cats, still recovering.

Below is Blog 17 as it was written in February or March 2016. I look forward to future, honest, this really is me blogs but as I was surprised with the existence (chemo brain, anyone?) of this unpublished blog, I can see no better way to bridge the gap between new and old. Thank you.

I Feel Like I Dropped Out of Life

Today, I found myself up since 4am yet again. I am not a morning person, I am a stressed person. I’m stressed because I’ve dealt with a seemingly never-ending cycle of surgeries and setbacks over the last 21 months, during which I haven’t worked, dated or had much of any social life.

I’m also a stressed person because now I have to get back into life. My surgeries recently ended, just had my 10th, and with the rest of 2016 and hopefully my life looking clear, I need to get back to life and it’s just daunting. I sit in the same chair at my mom’s dining room table looking at and applying for jobs most days and not getting much traction. I’ve jumped on OK Cupid and written with a few guys but have no desire to make plans as I have no desire to gussy up to drive aways to meet these randoms.

Maybe it all boils down to I dropped out of life and life let me. 🙁 I imagine it’s hard for many people going through this to not have experienced some level of abandonment with friends and others pulling away as they don’t know what to say. I’m living in a new area and looking for a fresh start minus much of the actual physical “looking” part. Will I ever want to again? For the last almost two years I’ve been the sick girl who hangs inside with her cats and I’ve gotten mighty good at it.

Then there’s this blog. What a phenomenal opportunity I was given and yet how do you blog about the mundane? My days feel very similar, day in and day out. I’m not typing this crying or feeling super-duper down but it’s just hard to be up without momentum. My thinking needs to shift. I currently live over 45 minutes away from where I want to live and where I know few people, a big reason I don’t want to get up and go, especially at night. But will check into some activities. Re-align my thoughts of what’s “worth” the drive. Guess I have to think that I’m worth the drive.

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Hope, Personal Development Tagged With: action, breast cancer, growth, support

Yea for Holidays!

December 9, 2015 By Amy 4 Comments

Osboure LightsI so love this time of year.  I love feeling thankful and grateful heading into Thanksgiving and how those feelings continue right on into my birthday in early January.  This year, I’m feeling off the charts gratitude and optimism.  Helping to maintain these feelings daily, is the cheesy fabulousness of holiday cheer in its many forms.

For starters, I love the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  I wake up and plant myself in front of the TV and watch all the performances from Broadway shows and make mental notes of all the ones I want to see.  Then the parade itself.  I love a good marching band so with 12 there’s more to love.  I especially love seeing the twirlers as, once a twirler, always a twirler.  🙂  The floats are great.  I’ve lived in NYC a few times in my life and I remember my friend, Larry, and I walked to the balloon holding area on the Upper West Side, claimed we were a married couple who lived in a building in the thick of the balloons and we got let through to see them super up close.  So fun.

My mom and I went to see the Osbourne Family lights at Disney’s Hollywood Studios.  Though we’ve both been coming to Disney for years, we had never seen those and, Oh My Goodness, what a sight!  It’s spectacular.  You feel totally immersed in lights and music and joy!  Disney Christmas 2015That triggered the music and, boy, I’ve got the music in me!!!  I made my first pecan pie the next day (with a gluten free nut crust and brown rice syrup and maple agave filling) while enjoying carols, singing
and dancing around the kitchen.  Fa La La!

We also went to the Magic Kingdom and saw their Frozen Castle lighting.  Wow, that was spectacular.  I feel so grateful to be so close to such magic and getting to spend the time and have lovely memories with my mommy.  You’ve got to love that, while walking out down Main Street, their gorgeous lights are a bit meh after the wonder of the other lights.  I feel happily spoiled.

I put up lights at my mom’s.  Having always lived in an apartment, I never realized how gratifying this is.  I was proud of myself as I was able to put mesh lights on the hedge on both sides of the door walkway and connect them up and around the doorway with a single strand so that everything was interconnected and only one plug needed an outlet.  Yea me!  (Not that it was too pretty up close with all my little duct tape pieces around the door but from a distance it’s beautiful!)  We also got one of those projector laser light things that makes your whole tree or house look like it’s covered in lights with pretty much zero effort.  Genius invention.

Hallmark Holiday Movies

But my real love of the holiday season is the wonder that is the Hallmark Holiday Movie!!!  Oh my God, the love runs deep.  Yes, they’re formulaic and some seem like they spent two minutes on a script, slapped two pretty people with no chemistry together and shot it in one additional minute, but I still eat them up.  This year, I’m staying at my mom’s.  She doesn’t have the Hallmark Channel or a DVR – I thought I was going to need a 12-step program.  I actually tried watching a couple on YouTube and they were just fuzzy enough to be really annoying.  I was very happily surprised when I found that Lifetime had Holliday movies that shockingly didn’t end with a Christmas day slaughter by the husband of the daughter and wife sleeping with the same teenager.  They were all about the cheesy fabulousness of the season.  Yea, Lifetime.  Who knew!?!

Any holiday must-do’s on your lists?  Happy Holidays!

Filed Under: Hope Tagged With: family, friends, humor

October Was Weird

November 11, 2015 By Amy 2 Comments

Pink& RibbonI had such strong feelings all throughout October, some highs, some lows and multiple expectations where my brain and reality were just not on the same page.  I’m left feeling a little pink brainwashed and it’s my own doing.  Perhaps it was that Breast Cancer Awareness month fell so closely to my final surgery and I was grasping to my identity as Cancer Amy, not quite yet ready to be just Amy again.  (I’m still grappling with that a little.)

So here’s the big miss mess.  The biggest disappointment and my biggest expectation failure in October.  I was on the American Cancer Society’s Making Strides Orlando Facebook page.  They had mentioned some events happening (mostly highs!) but they posted about this one event, on October 9th, that I managed to translate in Amy brain to something it wasn’t.  My translation, it was a golf for charity event in the daytime followed by a night party with dinner and dancing and an auction.  I’m picturing fabulous looking, young golf players taking the day off from their fancy jobs to play golf from the goodness of their hearts then show up at this dinner dance to be swept away by a survivor (me).  Yuppers… my head prior to that night was all Hollywood romance.

IMG_3050

This is the one good thing to come from that night, someone painted it for the auction. I think it’s very nice and hope someone wants to make me a replica. : )

The reality was Hollywood romantic comedy, minus the romance, and the comedy was a series of mental errors I’d made that I could not laugh off.  I got dressed up, which is rare for me these days, which is a major difference to my pre-Cancer life.  I drove.  And drove.  And drove.  A good solid hour.  And… basically, in a nutshell, I drove to some Florida residential community’s local event.  Like neighbors meeting with neighbors to celebrate and raise some funds.  I had asked to be put at a table with some fabulous eligible bachelor.  There were no bachelors or non-family types at this event and I was put at a table with two senior couples in their late 60’s.  We talked a lot about the benefits of not eating wheat.

So there I am and all I know is my heart hurt.  It was my fault but it just hurt my heart.  I had sold myself some story that was not at all based in reality and the reality all around me was other people living their actual lives that looked pretty good.  I’m not into organized religion but I like to have a nice one on one chat with God / the Universe fairly regularly.  But this night, my chat was pleas to please help my hurt heart.  I will definitely keep you all posted in the future of things I like to think / hope came from those pleas.

On that same Facebook page, I also learned about a Survivor’s breakfast which I went to nine days later.  My goodness, it was fantastic. Lovely people, from the organizers who made everyone feel special, to the survivors’ who are all special ladies.  I had a wonderful experience there and got to meet many of the amazingly gracious, caring, dedicated ladies who volunteer their time to put on Orlando’s Making Strides walk – for 60,000 attendees!  I asked if I could volunteer my time or services to them and am happy to have gotten to do so.  I unfortunately couldn’t attend the walk as I was leaving on a cruise that same morning with my mother (I know, boo hoo me!), but I did get to help with the set-up of the event and got a glimpse of what it would be like.  I’m thrilled I was able to help out in a small way.  This was the personification of Pink done right. Gainesville Walk 2015 (Plus, I did get to attend the Gainesville Making Strides walk and got to partake with survivor friends and doctors.)

I updated my Facebook cover and profile images.  Both were breast cancer references and, ya know, I am a person who had breast cancer but I need to not be a person who dwells in it all the time.  When I feel the need to, sure, I’m not going to repress any feelings.  But dwelling can turn into personal-defining and that one aspect of me is not my whole me.  In a good way. 🙂

Sorry for the delay in writing.  I just was so in the muck of ups and downs and mental junk, I did not want to commit thoughts to paper.  I hope you understand.

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Hope, Personal Development Tagged With: breast cancer, growth, support

Breast Cancer Awareness Month 1

October 12, 2015 By Amy 3 Comments

I didn’t realize I was going to feel such an affinity for this month.  Last year on October 1st, day one of Breast Cancer Awareness month, I was having my fourth surgery.  I did participate later in the month in Gainesville’s American Cancer Society walk but I didn’t own the month per se.  Perhaps I was too much in the thick of things.  This year, coming out of my sixth surgery a few weeks ago, this month feels very important to me and with that comes highs and lows.

Last year, as I sat in the waiting area of the hospital to have surgery, it was actually surreal to see so much hoopla on the TV screens.  It was October 1st and any morning show you turned to was awash in pink with pink dressed commentators discussing breast cancer facts, trends and research.

This year, I actually set my alarm to wake up (I was still sleeping off my surgery a good bit at that point) to catch the morning shows, excited for the pink and the facts and the feeling of connectedness even though it’s virtual.  And… nothing.  🙁  There was no pink.  There was no mention. There was nothing but a regular day on TV.  I get that decisions need to be made at big TV shows about the topics they cover and I can 100% picture a planning meeting where it comes up and someone says it was covered so big last year, let’s not repeat it…  But they don’t get – it’s not for them.  It’s not something that should be yea or nay’d in some production meeting.  It’s for me.  It’s for my fellow cancer patients.  It’s for us.

(I will give a quick shout out to Wendy Williams.  I don’t watch her show but while flipping through the channels to see if anyone was recognizing the day, I did see her in a pink dress with a ribbon pin – looking great.)

Sooo, the morning was a bummer.  But I still had the afternoon when a local hospital was having their Pink It Up party to kick off the month.  I had a t-shirt from last year’s walk.  It was a little big and shapeless so I set out to make it my own.  At first I was going to turn it into a tank top and found pretty neat instructions online on how to do so.  As I laid it out to begin, I flipped it over to the back and right in the spot that would be squished and invisible from the tank making process was the word “SURVIVOR.” Along with the shirt last year, survivor’s received these Miss America-esque sashes that emblazoned the word.  I loved wearing it at last year’s walk – it made me feel special while highlighting all the survivor’s making it easy for us to meet and greet each other along the route.  I had to think of some other way to adjust the t-shirt and voila.  Not necessarily good or bad but I liked it.  🙂

I went to the event and they really had tried.  I appreciated that I could see their effort: A pink Christmas tree, pink dye added to the fountains outside, a pink chocolate fountain that admittedly looked gross and I wasn’t about to taste it but I give them props for trying, many vendors, and these furry friends.  There were people running around in pink, some from head to toe.  I thought, hey, my people… maybe?  I asked a people if they were patients or survivors, most all said no.  They were hospital helpers or volunteers.  I actually only met four or five patient / survivors that day out of 200+ people.  Seemed wrong.  The marketing exec in me kept thinking about how I would have changed up the event starting with having an agenda with a Patient / Survivor Meet and Greet / pink lemonade toast during it.

Again, people who haven’t been through this don’t understand the connection that we as patients have and need.  We can be completely open with each other – any time.  For us, this doesn’t go away.  I will always be a person who had breast cancer and I will always feel an affinity towards others and want to talk about it be it five months in or five to fifty years out.

Overall it was an okay October 1st.  People liked my shirt and I liked making it.  I got to eat a couple of rice krispie treats, always a bonus, and even if the day wasn’t marked by TV or others as I would have liked, I marked the day for myself and that’s what’s important.

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Hope Tagged With: action, breast cancer, support

Surgery Update – The Wonderful and the Wacky

October 3, 2015 By Amy Leave a Comment

Hey Everyone!  I apologize for the delay in posting as I have been recovering from my latest (last – fingers crossed) surgery.  This 6th surgery has been different in a number of ways, starting with the fact that I was not living in Gainesville for this and I went to the surgery by myself.

The Night Before Surgery

I have met lovely women through UF Health’s Breast Cancer Support Group.  Cancer DinnerMeetings are monthly and, my goodness, I have learned so much about cancer, different treatments, and the amazing strength of all the women I came into contact with.  These groups are so important as woman with this common bond are always there for each other.  We’re not on other people’s timelines to be well or get over it.  We can be ourselves and draw on combined strength whether you’re 5 days into your journey or 5+ years after your journey.  I had a tradition of eating at my favorite Italian place (Amelia’s!) the night before each surgery.  I texted a group of ladies to say I was heading into town and might possibly make the monthly meeting, which my surgery day fell on.  Another suggested meeting up the night before and suddenly, I got to have dinner at my go-to, pre-surgery spot with 7 other breast cancer patients / Survivors / Friends.  It made the night magical.  🙂

I stayed in a hotel for three days.  I needed to be in the night before as I wouldn’t know when my hospital reporting time until the evening before – it was 6am – and I needed to stay through my follow up appointment on Friday.  I have to give the Paramount Plaza Hotel a shout out as they had a very generous hospital rate and free shuttles back and forth throughout the day.  My crazy-early call time didn’t fall in shuttle hours but they helped me schedule a cab the night before for 5:45 the next day.

 

Day Of

I had to shower the night before and next morning with special soap and then I made my way out in the still dark morning.  The admissions desk had gotten quite a fancy makeover since my last surgery in mid-April but the drill was still the same.  Check in.  Sit.  Name called.  Sign something.  Sit.  Name called.  Get your admission bracelet and a ‘Fall Risk” bracelet.Glamour Shot 6  Gather to be brought upstairs.  The drill was the same but it was a different experience being on my own as I kept getting asked who was with me over and over by person after person with each giving a look of disbelief.  My mom who has been at each surgery was home with our 6 cats and my friend, Amy, who has come to all previous surgeries did offer but her usual role, babysitting my nervous mother while I’m unconscious, wasn’t necessary.  Every surgery, my mom would take a “glamour shot” of me pre-surgery, so I took one in her place. It was a little weird being alone as there is always that chance or thought that you won’t wake up and I realized how nice it was to say and hear, “I love you,” as I was going under.

That said, I wasn’t alone from a nurse and doctor standpoint.  For the fact that I was having two not big nipples made (origami nipple reconstruction), it felt like there was a cast of thousands.  It’s a teaching hospital so in addition to my plastic surgeon was a second plastic surgeon, three anesthesia guys, the pre-surgery nurse who got me all set up, and the OR nurse.  I really owe my pre-nurse a thank you as my plastic surgeon sprung a surprise on me.  He handed me two EKG stickers and told me to go to the bathroom and place them on my boobs where I thought my nipples should go.  I don’t know why but this flustered me and she came into the bathroom and stuck them on for me while we lamented what a weird thing to ask your patient to do.  Turns out it was a test and we did pretty well.  I then learned that nipples should be placed low and to the outside of a boob and that if someone had placed them high, etc, he needed to be able to tell them why their nipples are not going to end up in those spots when they come to.

I got rolled towards surgery around 7:45am.  I had asked the main anesthesia dude to help me knock off on my way to the room as during my third surgery they brought me to the room on the more awake side, put a mask on me, and told me to breathe in heavily.  I Did Not Dig That!  If I need to be passed out, I do not want to be an active participant in it.  This time, I actually do remember rolling down the hall to the OR, going through the OR doors, seeing the big OR lights and then Nada…  Night night.

Coming To

I think I woke up around 10:30am.FemBot I was doing okay but with a pretty sharp burning sensation from each boob.  I looked down and saw, well, this!  I had to take and overshare a picture – I felt like a poor man’s FemBot.  I posted the pic on Facebook and later got many funny responses as well as suggestions to bedazzle them.  Hmmm…

Again, you need to keep a sense of humor when faced with so much; so, ask and ye shall receive:Pink BowsSmiley Boobs

 

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery Tagged With: breast cancer, humor, support

Gearing Up for my Next Surgery

September 10, 2015 By Amy Leave a Comment

966Hey there!  Well, I’m nearing my next surgery, this coming Wednesday.  This is hopefully my last.  If that’s the case, wow, that would be nice.  This really has seemed never ending and in some ways, for the last 16 months, been never ending.  This will be my 6th surgery, 7th time under anesthesia, and countless time on heavy drugs.

But, ya know, it’s obviously all been worth it and I remain grateful and positive.  And optimistic.  I mean, this could be my last surgery!  Though I’m sure I’ll feel not so great for awhile, I get to start the clock on hopefully feeling great again.  I’m not sure that I’ll ever feel 100% but I’ve been so far away from that during this whole time, that the thought that I could creep up on it, even though it will likely take at least a year, is very exciting.

It also means that I need to take life off the back burner and put it more front and center again.  Now, I’m not trying to get ahead of myself – I will likely feel crappier than I have for a month after surgery, so this isn’t an Eye of the Tiger call out to myself to get on this today, but it can no longer be ignored.  That’s also exciting.  🙂

Thank you again to everyone who has sent me warm wishes and healing vibes.  Keep ‘em coming, please.  Hopefully I will not need to be the one to ask for them for myself much moving forward and look forward to passing warm wishes and healing vibes to others on their journeys. 1050

Nipple Pool Part 1

By the way for those who don’t know me well…  In early Summer, I put out a contest on my Facebook page – A nipple pool challenge for guessing the date when my new nipples would be done.  I said I’d send a prize to the one who guesses closest.  This is a two part process but part 1 is happening on September 16th, so honorable mention for guessing near that date goes to Lori Meyer with her guess of September 14th!

Heck, if you can’t have some fun during breast cancer, reconstruction and recovery, I imagine it’s not as easy to stay grateful, positive and optimistic.  So, cheers to new nipples!

All the best.  Big hugs.  Much Love.  🙂

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Hope, Personal Development Tagged With: breast cancer, growth, support

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Hi! I’m Amy.

Hi! I’m Amy.

Hi there! I’m Amy and I come to you not as an expert like the other fine folks of Growing Bolder but as a friend and fellow dream searcher. Simply put, I want the best life for myself and everyone else who has that gnawing feeling that more is out there but isn’t sure of the exact next steps.

I am a recent Breast Cancer survivor who’s finally feeling on the up and up after a double mastectomy, multiple surgeries, and too many complications. Though my cancer has taken a toll on my body and strength and muscle tone, it has bolstered my spirit and awakened me to so many areas of awareness and empathy in my life. For that, as well as being the catalyst for wanting to live a richer, fuller life, I am grateful.

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