I’m Amy and I owe you an apology. I had been given a special opportunity to blog for Growing Bolder, a group of people I greatly respect, and after 16 blogs, I pulled away.
I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer three years ago. Recovery is an interesting thing as there are peaks and valleys. I have had 12 surgeries, six major, six more minor, plus a myriad of complications. At some points throughout, I’d start feeling better and both with excitement and trepidation I’d think “what’s next?” It would seem like time to think about reentering life and I kept putting this not at all helpful burden on myself of feeling like I needed to “honor cancer.” Live a bigger, better, bolder life. Then you know what would happen? I’d have recovery knock me down a peg or two or ten.
I approached Growing Bolder during one of those peaks. I was so gung ho! I went back and read some of my earlier blogs today and thought who is this person? I clearly wrote as the caricature I was trying to be to honor cancer and grow bolder. I looked at these 16 blogs that were clever and upbeat and forced – I guess at the time I needed to project that (to myself).
But you know what also happened today? I came across Blog 17. One that I’d never published, probably since it was written at a later, very honest time in 2016. When I recently approached GB to come back, I apologized to them and explained how I’d felt like a fraud with my previous writings as I was so Yea, I’m going to jump headfirst into some BS new life. But the reality was, every day was the same. I was living in my mom’s house, which I appreciated, with our combined six cats, still recovering.
Below is Blog 17 as it was written in February or March 2016. I look forward to future, honest, this really is me blogs but as I was surprised with the existence (chemo brain, anyone?) of this unpublished blog, I can see no better way to bridge the gap between new and old. Thank you.
I Feel Like I Dropped Out of Life
Today, I found myself up since 4am yet again. I am not a morning person, I am a stressed person. I’m stressed because I’ve dealt with a seemingly never-ending cycle of surgeries and setbacks over the last 21 months, during which I haven’t worked, dated or had much of any social life.
I’m also a stressed person because now I have to get back into life. My surgeries recently ended, just had my 10th, and with the rest of 2016 and hopefully my life looking clear, I need to get back to life and it’s just daunting. I sit in the same chair at my mom’s dining room table looking at and applying for jobs most days and not getting much traction. I’ve jumped on OK Cupid and written with a few guys but have no desire to make plans as I have no desire to gussy up to drive aways to meet these randoms.
Maybe it all boils down to I dropped out of life and life let me. 🙁 I imagine it’s hard for many people going through this to not have experienced some level of abandonment with friends and others pulling away as they don’t know what to say. I’m living in a new area and looking for a fresh start minus much of the actual physical “looking” part. Will I ever want to again? For the last almost two years I’ve been the sick girl who hangs inside with her cats and I’ve gotten mighty good at it.
Then there’s this blog. What a phenomenal opportunity I was given and yet how do you blog about the mundane? My days feel very similar, day in and day out. I’m not typing this crying or feeling super-duper down but it’s just hard to be up without momentum. My thinking needs to shift. I currently live over 45 minutes away from where I want to live and where I know few people, a big reason I don’t want to get up and go, especially at night. But will check into some activities. Re-align my thoughts of what’s “worth” the drive. Guess I have to think that I’m worth the drive.