October Was Weird

I had such strong feelings all throughout October, some highs, some lows and multiple expectations where my brain and reality were just not on the same page.  I’m left feeling a little pink brainwashed and it’s my own doing.  Perhaps it was that Breast Cancer Awareness month fell so closely to my final surgery and I was grasping to my identity as Cancer Amy, not quite yet ready to be just Amy again.  (I’m still grappling with that a little.)

So here’s the big miss mess.  The biggest disappointment and my biggest expectation failure in October.  I was on the American Cancer Society’s Making Strides Orlando Facebook page.  They had mentioned some events happening (mostly highs!) but they posted about this one event, on October 9th, that I managed to translate in Amy brain to something it wasn’t.  My translation, it was a golf for charity event in the daytime followed by a night party with dinner and dancing and an auction.  I’m picturing fabulous looking, young golf players taking the day off from their fancy jobs to play golf from the goodness of their hearts then show up at this dinner dance to be swept away by a survivor (me).  Yuppers… my head prior to that night was all Hollywood romance.

This is the one good thing to come from that night, someone painted it for the auction. I think it’s very nice and hope someone wants to make me a replica. : )

The reality was Hollywood romantic comedy, minus the romance, and the comedy was a series of mental errors I’d made that I could not laugh off.  I got dressed up, which is rare for me these days, which is a major difference to my pre-Cancer life.  I drove.  And drove.  And drove.  A good solid hour.  And… basically, in a nutshell, I drove to some Florida residential community’s local event.  Like neighbors meeting with neighbors to celebrate and raise some funds.  I had asked to be put at a table with some fabulous eligible bachelor.  There were no bachelors or non-family types at this event and I was put at a table with two senior couples in their late 60’s.  We talked a lot about the benefits of not eating wheat.

So there I am and all I know is my heart hurt.  It was my fault but it just hurt my heart.  I had sold myself some story that was not at all based in reality and the reality all around me was other people living their actual lives that looked pretty good.  I’m not into organized religion but I like to have a nice one on one chat with God / the Universe fairly regularly.  But this night, my chat was pleas to please help my hurt heart.  I will definitely keep you all posted in the future of things I like to think / hope came from those pleas.

On that same Facebook page, I also learned about a Survivor’s breakfast which I went to nine days later.  My goodness, it was fantastic. Lovely people, from the organizers who made everyone feel special, to the survivors’ who are all special ladies.  I had a wonderful experience there and got to meet many of the amazingly gracious, caring, dedicated ladies who volunteer their time to put on Orlando’s Making Strides walk – for 60,000 attendees!  I asked if I could volunteer my time or services to them and am happy to have gotten to do so.  I unfortunately couldn’t attend the walk as I was leaving on a cruise that same morning with my mother (I know, boo hoo me!), but I did get to help with the set-up of the event and got a glimpse of what it would be like.  I’m thrilled I was able to help out in a small way.  This was the personification of Pink done right.  (Plus, I did get to attend the Gainesville Making Strides walk and got to partake with survivor friends and doctors.)

I updated my Facebook cover and profile images.  Both were breast cancer references and, ya know, I am a person who had breast cancer but I need to not be a person who dwells in it all the time.  When I feel the need to, sure, I’m not going to repress any feelings.  But dwelling can turn into personal-defining and that one aspect of me is not my whole me.  In a good way. 🙂

Sorry for the delay in writing.  I just was so in the muck of ups and downs and mental junk, I did not want to commit thoughts to paper.  I hope you understand.