Pink & Grow Bold

A Breast Cancer Survivor’s journey to learn and live her dreams.

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Wisdom My Younger Self Missed: Part 1

September 3, 2015 By Amy 4 Comments

V Amy 80's

That’s some glamour shot – Not at all! Notice to the two tone jeans. Oh well, the friendship is 30 years and going strong, so I’ll take the bad photographic evidence that goes along with it.

My choice of school classes has me saying, “Hi, Idiot!” to my adult self.  Growing up, I was usually in advanced classes.  I was nowhere near the smartest kid in my class – I tended to do very well in classes I liked and average in the ones I didn’t.

I remember my freshman year of high school we all had to sample a different elective each quarter, like cooking, sewing and drama.  We got to make a pair of sweatpants in sewing that, after cutting into shorts in college, I finally threw out a few years ago.  Though I was proud of my sweatpants, I went through that obligatory year and then decided not to take any more of “those classes” after that.  All electives I chose were more academic, blah blah blah.

I had a chip on my shoulder that no way deserved to be there.  I looked down on classes like cooking and shop.  And you know what!?  Firstly, it’s not like I can tell you many / any specifics from whatever classes I did take.   And Secondly – As an adult, I was the A-hole who couldn’t cook.

If I could do high school over, not that I’m itching to dive into that time machine back to big hair, Aussie Sprunch Spray and Outback Red, I would take as many as those life preparatory classes as possible.  Cooking – Yes, for sure though I will say, a random bonus of cancer and being home all the time, was that my cooking skills improved.  But we’re talking from 0 to maybe 40%.  Sewing – Sounds good but this would be lower on my list.  Shop – Yes!  I actually love to build things.  I have successfully put together many pieces of furniture with a trusty allen wrench.  To have real skills in this department would be great.  I actually think my school also had an auto repair class.  I’d totally take that!

If I Only Knew Then…

120

I put this together!

Yes, I can learn some of this stuff now and I have and enjoy it.  I just wish I’d had any kind of scope back then for actual life.  An appreciation for the day in day out stuff.  The stuff I didn’t ponder or took for granted growing up.   The good stuff – stuff that matters.

I have noticed going through cancer that I’ve had a rebirth in myself to get some skills and definitely more appreciation in these areas.  Perhaps as I continue to Grow Bolder, I’ll actually get good at some of these!  From a person whose meals now taste okay though often look like hell, it’s hard to imagine.  But at least I now, finally, have the right attitude that my younger self could have really used (along with a swift kick in the behind.)

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Personal Development Tagged With: action, growth, support

The Power of Momentum

August 31, 2015 By Amy 4 Comments

Amy Jed WackyAin’t nothing gonna break my stride

Nobody gonna slow me down

Oh no, I got to keep on moving…

Who remembers that little ditty!?  Is it stuck in your heads right now?  Totally off subject, 80’s music, from one hit wonders, to Duran Duran and Culture Club, to hair bands, will always hold a place in my heart.  I’ve been loving the radio stations near Orlando.  Some play the fantastically cheesy songs from our past that we still inexplicably know every word to.  I’ve been enjoying singing out to Jack Wagner, Peter Cetera and Matthew Wilder’s Break My Stride. On that note 😉 back to momentum…

As I said in my last blog, my friend Jed and I are big fans of momentum.  Have you ever noticed that you won’t have much going on and then you’ll get multiple invites in a row or you get one interview and all of the sudden you line up two more?  I think this has to do with momentum and its book definitions, that I’d never looked up before, seem to back this up fantastically.

Momentum: the impetus gained by a moving object

Impetus: the force or energy that makes something happen or happen more quickly090

Neat-O!  I very much believe in energy and that what you put out there you get back.  I do believe this works for good and bad, that positivity begets positivity and negativity begets negativity.  I vote for positivity! When it comes to changing your life or knowing you want to live better and differently, each positive nugget gives you energy and confidence which I believe draws the next nugget and the next.

The Power of Positivity

I’ve definitely experienced this multiple times in my life.  Definitely around job prospects, where I’ll put emails out and then hear from a few at once.
I’ve experienced this with dates where I’ve not met too many guys then will meet 2-3 around the same time.  (I’m hoping this trend returns.  I haven’t dated since getting cancer but I do hope to again one day soon-ish.)  And I’ve definitely experienced this around things to do.  This is NOT to say that I haven’t experienced the valleys around these peaks but I take, relish, and try to hold the momentum or its memory.  It keeps me the positive, optimistic person I am.

085By the way, if you’re ever in Boston and super lucky, you can see Jed in an act of actual, physical momentum.  His “Living on a Prayer” at karaoke is legendary!  Some of the pics are from our annual tradition of going to the mall at Christmas and recreating model poses for our own enjoyment / amusement.

Have you all noticed these patterns of momentum in your lives?  I’d love to hear.

Update: Growing Bolder just upgraded its blog capabilities.  I always write everyone back when I get comments.  All of the comments that I’ve received touch my heart, thank you, but the ones from strangers saying they feel the same way; well, they give me Momentum!!!!  I can’t tell you the energy zing and excitement I get from them.  Thank you!  To anyone who has commented in the past, if you look back, my replies are there.  🙂

Random Amy thought:  As a total aside but this is very me, while writing about momentum it made me think of omentum.  Omentum is the deadly fat that gathers in your stomach area and surrounds your organs.  I am in no way pushing anyone towards 6-pack abs but lessening this add years and saves lives.  Call me selfish – I really like you all and want to keep you around.  🙂

Filed Under: Hope, Personal Development Tagged With: action, friends, growth

Onward Towards Upward

August 28, 2015 By Amy 2 Comments

Blog OnwardAt the end of July, I moved more towards Orlando. It was very interesting driving away from Gainesville the night of the 30th.  I was exhausted from the move and the cleaning and had the three cats in the car in two cages, which they never like – I was stressed.  Yet, I was relieved.  It just felt right to be driving away. Driving away from a place that, though I’m sooo eternally grateful for, really was all about cancer and not much of a life.

I’m currently staying at my mother’s.  I will eventually move near or in Orlando but I have another surgery, my 6th though this one is more minor, in mid-September so it makes sense to be here through that.  Hers is not the most happening area, but I’m very happy to be here.  It’s great to spend time with my mom.  I can’t picture a world without her and don’t want to, so to be near is a blessing.  Between us, we have a combined 6 cats (thank goodness the house is a good size) – who are miraculously getting along famously! (I did not see that coming!  Excellent surprise. I’d love to post a picture of all 6 cats but I assume hell will freeze over before they all sit for that photo-shoot moment. )

Fine Folks & New Possibilities

This area does hold a place in my heart.  I know truly lovely people that live around.  EveryoneThey are a cast of characters, a bit like Heart of Dixie from the quirky not the southern, but I loved that show and I love these folks.  It’s nice to be welcomed into a fold where everyone thought of me during my surgeries and greets me whenever they see me with big, warm hugs and home cooking that well exceeds my skill set.  🙂

I haven’t explored the areas in and around Orlando yet but hope to do so to get thoughts on where I’d like to end up.  I’ve always thought Winter Park is nice but there could be other nice areas around that I don’t even know exists.  I’ll have to make exploring a priority.  (Maybe I’ll do some tomorrow.)  I have targeted where I’d like to work and am just starting that ball rolling, so fingers crossed.  More details if (when!) it happens.

As my best friend, Jed (Jedly!), and I like to discuss, I feel there’s momentum, and momentum is very powerful.

Filed Under: Hope, Personal Development Tagged With: action, family, friends, support

Surviving & Thriving – Alone Together

August 25, 2015 By Amy 4 Comments

I was living in Gainesville, Florida when I got diagnosed.  I hadn’t made very many friends there and always felt like a bit of a non-Gator outsider.  That said, I also couldn’t help but think that I was meant to have lived there to have my cancer there.  How rare is it to find yourself in a town with stupendous hospitals plus be in an area where the cost of living is lower so you could sustain yourself without work longer?  I saw it as one of the greatest blessings / meant to be things in my life.

Just after my diagnosis, some local people checked in with me but that trickled out very quickly. 925 I was alone pretty much all the time.  But I was also supported from a distance by many.  Hence alone but together.  I do need to give huge credit to social media.  I was vocal about my situation and gave updates when big things happened.  I remember the first time I posted, it was just before my first surgery and I reached out and fessed up to cancer and to being a little scared.  Oh my word, I heard from 700+ people from every walk of my lifetime, wishing me well.  Talk about feeling enveloped in love – even if it’s not in the form of physical embrace.  I will never forget all of those who supported me.  Look – they sent stuff too!

Kind Words and Actions

I did get some good actual embraces, by the way.  928My mom and good friend, Amy, were always there at each surgery and my good friend, Mary, took great care of me after my double.   My friend, Dave, made sure I got out or had company at least once a week.  My kitties were a constant presence of unconditional love. And, you’ve gotta love where your knights in shining armor come from.  I lived in downtown Gainesville.  Where I parked had a car wash and those guys checked in on me every time they saw me.  They helped me carry groceries, washed my car for free a couple of times, and were just there with big smiles and words of encouragement.  There were valet guys who stood outside my building who always got the door for me and asked how they could help.  There were also the managers and chefs at Dragonfly, a fantastic sushi place, who always checked in on me and gave a smile or wave or kind word.

As I’m now nearing the end of my reconstruction and treatments, I’m hoping to find my days of isolation are infrequent as I kick myself more in the butt towards putting myself out there.  That said, I still give huge credit to social media as not only is that lovely base on Facebook still there but so are you lovely people.  Your comments have meant the world to me.  Yes, I may be typing this alone and you may be reading this alone but – Together. 🙂

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Hope Tagged With: breast cancer, cats, family, support

Hats Off to All the Moms Out There!

August 21, 2015 By Amy 2 Comments

Amy SlideHi there!  My sincere apologies for this delayed blog.  My middle sister, 8 year old niece, newly 3 year old nephew, and niece-dog visited and we were non-stop!  My heart is warm but the rest of me is a bit exhausted and in just total awe as to how you moms do it.  Seriously, how do you?  Do you just get used to it – going, going, going?

I give my sister a ton of credit.  I was exhausted just watching her kids and dog go to her for everything – and luckily these are good kids – but still everything.  The three year old is very much in Mommy, Mommy mode.  Only mommy can open my drink.  Only mommy can help me.  Only mommy.  Only mommy.  You moms are going to need to clone yourselves.

I got lucky in an odd way with my cancer that I never wanted to have kids.
So many women, including friends, have wanted kids, tried to get pregnant or gotten pregnant and boom – the hormone rush activated cancer in their bodies and they ended up fighting for their lives, often with no baby.  It’s just heartbreaking.  And I cannot forget all of those women who have kids and families and responsibilities who get cancer but yet are still Mommy Mommy’d by everyone.  I truly don’t know how you do it.  My hat is off to all of you!Crayola

My Mom Rocks

I also need to give a shout out to my mommy.  She was a real trooper.  She’s 78 and was right there, trudging through the insane heat at Epcot Center and Crayola and parks and restaurants, not to mention hosting everyone.  You’re awesome, mama.

Thank you all for the week off.  I hope everyone was well and healthy and happy.  🙂

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Hope Tagged With: breast cancer, kids, moms

Cancer Feels Contagious Sometimes

August 14, 2015 By Amy 2 Comments

Yes, I know cancer isn’t contagious and thank goodness for that but as I learn of more people getting it, it’s starting to feel that way.  A friend of mine recently got diagnosed with breast cancer.  I asked if there was a time we could meet up and then went around my place finding helpful items I could pass along to her.  I put some tube bras I’d used to secure and hide my drains and some tops that flared and gathered at the bottom that hid my drains well into a bag to bring over.

I went over to her family’s house for dinner.  She looked great but as this was Sunday and a 5:30AM hospital report time on Tuesday was looming, everyone felt understandably tense.  We all started with prepping and eating a great meal, trying to seem normal.  Not bringing up scary subjects in front of her young daughter.

After dinner, I had the chance to sit down with Kelly and her mother and just be there to answer any questions and offer to help in any way.  I got to share how that first reveal after a double mastectomy is jarring but manageable.  I got to explain what drains feel like, how to hide them, and how to sleep half sitting up.  I showed them my reconstructed breasts and let them feel them so they could see that yes, they’re different, but they’re not so bad.  We covered a gamut of topics, starting off with how surgery will likely lead to constipation and all the other “joys” she had coming her way. Pink& Ribbon

Helping Others

It gave me the chance to feel helpful.  I felt glad to be able to do so but also just terribly sad to have to.  My hope for this blog is to figure out and go after my dreams.  I know a large component of that is to help others.  I’m not yet sure what that looks like and what it will manifest into but being able to be there for Kelly was a good step.

I’m typing this at 1pm on Tuesday, the Tuesday.  Kelly is now in recovery and said to be doing well.  Goodness, it brings back memories of my double but from a different perspective than I’ve had before.  From an educational perspective with the hopes of being there for others.  It feels – right.

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Hope Tagged With: breast cancer, champion

Take A Bite Out Of Life

August 12, 2015 By Amy Leave a Comment

GB BiteTrying to figure out your dreams and how to go for them can be hard and scary.  “Figuring out” implies pondering and questioning.  Questions.  So many questions.  What’s my dream?  What if I don’t have a dream?  Are we meant to have and fulfill dreams in all facets?  Work? Life? Health? Romance? AAH!!!  Calgon, take me away!!!

All I know is these questions are too big!  Too much!  Barbara StreisandReally, the more (most) important question is, do we need to know most / all of the answers to Grow Bolder?  I’m leaning towards no.  What I do know, pondering such things can eat up a lot of time and lead to justifications of action and inaction.  I’m just picturing large mouthfuls, like those random eat a steak the size of your head in an hour competitions, and maybe we can just take this one bite of time and get rid of the clock.

What should we do for bite one?  Hey, look at that!  We changed from “figure” to “do” – a bite in the right direction.  🙂  I say we do something.  Some thing.  One thing.  One action or activity to start the chewing process.

Actually, I feel like I’ve already started.  This blog is a great opportunity in and of itself but it’s also a motivator.  I can tend to get into routines and I can sit around with the best of them sometimes. Last weekend, I thought about my blog and knowing that I could not and did not want to write, “Yesterday I woke up at 10:23am and sat around but today it was 9:42!”  Instead, I got my body in-motion.  I got out.  I went online and looked at what events were happening in the area and went to one.

I went to a festival at a local library.  Upon arrival, there was a gathering of people, some local company vendors, a small seating area and a makeshift stage where a fantastic rock, soul, reggae fusion band was playing.  There were a few brave souls doing the Electric Slide to the music in the 95˚ heat.  I made my way to one of the seats, enjoyed the music, admired the dancers, and smiled at those around me.

Making Plans

While there, I mused to myself how nice, easy and free this was and how I should do this type of thing more often.  It motivated me to text a girlfriend I hadn’t seen in a while to inquire about a different event I’d seen listed for that day.  She, Tiffany, was managing an Over 30 How-To Dating Seminar and I asked if she could use a hand with setup or whatever needed to be done.  So, for the second time that day, I had plans.  I unfortunately didn’t get to listen in on the lecture as I was indeed put to work setting up the second part of the event but I had a great time interacting with the other volunteers and catching up with a lovely friend.  There was even a bonus dance party at the end where the volunteers and some participants boogied down.

I started that day with no plans and ended up having it be completely full and fun.  That day helped motivate my next day which also got me out.  All I know is that my getting out that weekend felt like a step (literal ones out of my house) in the right direction.  Let’s take more steps and more small bites.

Filed Under: Personal Development Tagged With: action, growth

Are We Doomed From The Womb??

August 10, 2015 By Amy 6 Comments

GB DoomedI feel like very few, very lucky people know what they wanted to do from a young age, loved it and made it happen.  Amongst these are the types who say, “Love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life,” making me want to simultaneously throw up and punch that person in the face.  That said, I’m genuinely thrilled for them and their rare feat. Some of these people are great successes like Steven Spielberg who was born to be, well, Steven Spielberg.

I don’t personally believe this is the norm and I don’t believe these are the normal standards that we should be held up to, though I think it happens all the time.  I’ve seen in many a TV interview, the successful subject often says, I knew what I wanted to be when I was a kid or I had a clear vision of everything I wanted to achieve before I was out of high school.

Hmm, I don’t know about you, but as a kid I can’t remember ever saying or knowing a particular job I gravitated towards and as a teen I had a clear vision of nothing.  How about you?  Are we thusly meant to feel or be inadequate when we weren’t thrust from the womb with our aspirations and dreams all mapped out?

The answer is No.  Why?  Because it has to be. So, we weren’t as potentially lucky, or gifted, or driven as some others from a young age.  So what!?  We’ve managed to become good people and good adults and the fact that I and we are here determined to “Grow Bolder” is proof positive that it’s not too late.

I Believe

Let’s believe in ourselves.  The universe will start feeding us clues, dreamy clues.  We just need to be open to them.

Filed Under: Hope, Personal Development Tagged With: growth, work

After Breast Cancer: Status Quo? Heck No!

August 7, 2015 By Amy 4 Comments

Amy ATTI have worked in marketing since college. I remember my dad, who worked for MetLife his whole career, saying you’ll go into business but do marketing since you’re more creative.  I was never big at doing what I’m told per se but these words and this path stuck.

I have a skill set that I’m grateful for that has done well by me over the years. I have had some very good opportunities, working at companies including Nestle, Warner Bros., and AT&T, and I have worked with some truly great people over the years. I’ve also worked in some environments that have made me question, “Is this it!?”

In early 2014, I started feeling a bit off.  It wasn’t so noticeable where it felt medical.  I just felt off and agitated and started thinking, hmmm, maybe I need a new job or to move or something.  It turns out I had been feeling the effects of breast cancer but, shocker, the thought of my having a potentially deadly disease did not spring to mind.  I quit my job and focused 100% on my recovery.

Honoring Cancer

During my months of recovery, I felt this overwhelming need to “honor cancer.”  When it came to work, going back to sub-standard environments was simply not an option.  I was going through a truly life changing event and I needed to do something, do more, be more coming out of it.  That’s the biggest thing that brings me to Growing Bolder.  I feel like I’m being driven towards a calling to be a champion for others.  In doing so, I need to be a champion for myself and finally try to figure this stuff out.  Figure out my dreams.  Figure out how my dreams are meant to help others as I feel they may.

Have you had similar feelings of being driven towards something that you didn’t know but couldn’t ignore?

Status Quo 2

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Personal Development Tagged With: champion, work

Cancer Survivor is Growing Bolder

August 5, 2015 By Amy Leave a Comment

Amy DerbyAs I strive to “Grow Bolder,” you may be wondering who the heck I am?!  Where to begin…

Hi, I’m Amy! 🙂  I now reside in Central Florida after living in places like Los Angeles and New York City during my adult life.  I grew up in Northern New Jersey and do still consider myself a northerner while I enjoy the weather and all around easier lifestyles that Florida enables.  I also get to live near-ish to my mom and see her on a fairly regular basis, which makes me happy and I think is very important.

I am the youngest of four – shout out to my siblings Gail, Ken and Karen! Siblings!Aside from being a daughter and sister, I’m also a sister-in-law and aunt.  Shout out to my bro-fam – Tracy, Casey and Ryan as well as Karen’s family – Alan, Mariska and Michael.  I love being an aunt and love that between the four there’s an age spread so I can hear about all different types of life stage happenings.  Everyone is strewn about the East coast, so I mostly see them for major holidays.  I wish I saw them all more often than I do.

I don’t live alone.  I am a mother to the type of children I can deal Cat Trianglewith – fur children. I have three (sometimes four) rescue cats.  Little Kitty is my California valley girl. Soft and snuggly Baby ZZ was adopted on Maddie’s Adoption Day 2013.  Then there’s my mischievous but super-sweet boy Teeny who adopted me this year.  Anybody else find their male pets act super-differently from their female pets?  He’s like living with a tornado! “Sometimes four” is sweet Moe, one of my mother’s cats who stays with me when she goes on her beloved Disney Cruises.

Breast Cancer Survivor

I am a recent Breast Cancer survivor.  I’m finally nearing the later 1050stages of my reconstruction process after 5 surgeries, including a
double mastectomy, and a few too many complications.  While writing this, I’ve surprised myself.  Breast Cancer has been such a big part of my life for over a year now yet, as I organically wrote this, it naturally emerged down a few paragraphs.   I was all the things I am above before cancer and continue to be during and after cancer.  This was a neat personal realization on cancer not singularly defining me.

I do thank my illness in some ways as it’s made me want to live a richer, bolder life now.  That said, gosh, I’d really like to believe that I would have gotten to this place and this motivation anyway.  I don’t want anyone reading this thinking welp, shit, I haven’t had the life-changing experience needed to finally find out and solidify my dreams and go for them.  We can do this.  Maybe I needed this as a kick in the behind but I think we’ve all got this in us.  We can Grow Bolder together – let this be the collective, inclusive motivation to go for it.

I’m sure I’m forgetting and leaving out tons.  I guess to summarize a little more about me:  I’m nice.  I am blessed with lovely, loyal friends who, though not near physically, are always with me.   I believe in the goodness of others and the kindness of strangers.  I believe that positivity begets positivity and negativity begets negativity and I try to see the positive in situations.  I try not to sweat the small stuff.  I’m kind and like to believe in the kindness of others and of strangers.  I believe in us.  🙂

So, who the heck are you!?! 😉

Filed Under: Cancer Recovery, Hope Tagged With: breast cancer, cats, family

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Hi! I’m Amy.

Hi! I’m Amy.

Hi there! I’m Amy and I come to you not as an expert like the other fine folks of Growing Bolder but as a friend and fellow dream searcher. Simply put, I want the best life for myself and everyone else who has that gnawing feeling that more is out there but isn’t sure of the exact next steps.

I am a recent Breast Cancer survivor who’s finally feeling on the up and up after a double mastectomy, multiple surgeries, and too many complications. Though my cancer has taken a toll on my body and strength and muscle tone, it has bolstered my spirit and awakened me to so many areas of awareness and empathy in my life. For that, as well as being the catalyst for wanting to live a richer, fuller life, I am grateful.

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